Do you find yourself attracting the wrong men and want to know why? Keep reading!

I want you to recall all of the men that captured your attention; you dated and had sex with. Next, I want you to list ten things about them that made you talk to them and not someone else. I need you to be honest with yourself.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you identify the qualities you subconsciously look for in your man. These qualities, as well as what you think, is causing you to pick the wrong men.

I can write a long detailed logical explanation using psychological and sociological theories to explain why you pick the wrong man or why the wrong men always pick you. However, I won’t do that. What I will do is describe your thought processes and how you allow the wrong men to enter and stay in your life.

From an early age, boys and girls are raised differently. Generally, girls are raised to clean, cook, take care of the younger children, help mommy and partake in girl stuff. Boys are trained to be masculine, rough, tough, allowed to go out and spend time with friends, play sports, and given a little more freedom.

How you are raised, what you are taught, and what you see, hear and experience in your environment affects and define who you are as a person.

If you look back at your life, you can find an incident that affected you in a negative way that you have used, subconsciously, to hold you back. That negative incident is what’s causing you problems today.

A movie that clearly shows how past experiences affect future behavior and decisions is “Antwone Fisher” directed by Denzel Washington. I suggest you go rent it. It is excellent and will assist you in understanding how your past affects you now!

The question isn’t what incident occurred in the past, although it would be nice to know what it is. The real question is, “How is that incident affecting your life today?”

There are usually six reasons why women pick the wrong men:

  1. You don’t feel worthy
  2. You don’t know what is a good man and are confused
  3. You settle for any man
  4. You want the wrong man
  5. You have an attitude
  6. Low self-esteem

Let’s take a look at each one of these in more detail so you can fully understand why you would think such thoughts. Keep in mind that many of the reasons listed are not independent of the other. Often many women are suffering from more than one.

Reason #1: You don’t feel worthy

I figured that if a woman feels this way she may have been teased at a young age about her looks, weight or how she dressed, and was probably excluded from the “in crowd”.

When I first experienced this, I was shocked and amazed that a woman actually believed she didn’t deserve a good man.

I was with a woman whom I treated with so much respect and love, gave her a lot of attention, affection and showered her with compliments daily. I always told her how I felt and that I loved her.

Yet, each day she would make the same comment, “Who me? Why me?” She could not believe I could love her as much as I did.

It wasn’t until a year after we broke up, that I realized why she might have felt that way. I concluded that as a result of an early experience in her life, that had a negative impact on her, she didn’t feel she deserved to be treated well. I’m sure you figured this part out on your own.

However, and this was the eye opener for me, she may have said to herself, “How is it this man can love me unconditionally and not see my faults when I don’t love myself and always see my faults?”

Now, it wasn’t that I didn’t see her faults, because I did. But I accepted her and loved her as she was without question or doubt.

This may have been hard for her to deal with. She wasn’t where she wanted to be in life. She wasn’t the woman she wanted to be at that point in her life. She was still trying to figure out who she was, and what she wanted to do with her life. She was one confused individual!

So, to have me loving her unconditionally made her feel uncomfortable. Plus, since most women don’t get unconditional love they don’t know how to deal with it. Does this sound familiar?

Often you will go out dressed like a bum and not expect a man to respond to you. Yet, to your surprise, a man compliments you on your beauty. “It just doesn’t make sense,” you say. “How could he like me looking the way I do?”

Men love women who look good, smell good, have a nice body, hair, etc. Men don’t care what you wear as long as it’s clean. Yet, it matters to you.

Now you must ask yourself, “Do I feel that I don’t deserve a good man?” If your answer is “yes”, then search within yourself to find out what happened in your life that caused you to think this way? It’s not easy, but it’s well worth the work!

Reason #2: You don’t know what a good man is and are confused

I have come to believe most women do not know what is a good man or their idea of what is a good man is distorted.

I can presume this is a result of no role models or the media has convinced women that a good man fits a certain criteria.

How is it a woman can get involved with the same knuckleheads time after time and not know before hand that she is repeating a cycle? Obviously, what she believes to be the ideal man for her is flawed.

The question is, “Why do they believe a certain man is good for them when they should already know he’s not?” Well, it has a lot to do with what you see, what you experience and whom you surround yourself with when you are growing up.

If you are surrounded by knuckleheads, and you believe they are cool and nice guys, then you end up dating and having children by knuckleheads. That may not always be true, but it’s very common today.

If you see your mother being hit by a man and she stays with him, then you grow up believing that being hit by a man is okay, and that’s his way of showing he loves you.

If you see friends having sex with many guys and always talking about how good it feels, then you may have sex with many guys and think it’s okay too.

If you see your mother with a man that is no good, not doing anything with his life, drinking and abusing drugs then you may end up picking a similar man because you think that’s what a real man does.

Often as children we adopt the behaviors and attitudes adults display and don’t listen to what adults tell us. You know the saying, “Do as I say not as I do.” If you have a child, you know children often do what you do! They mimic you. So be careful what you do around your children for they will end up being just like you.

Also, when you deal with the type of men mentioned, you end up feeling you don’t deserve a good man when you get one because you do not know what it’s like to be treated as a good woman.

If you are a woman in one of the situations I mentioned or in a similar position, then get out of it. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your children. They deserve a better life! If you don’t have children do it because you do deserve a better life for yourself.  Or, you can continue to suffer! It’s up to you!

Reason #3: You settle for any man -

We already established that many women feel they don’t deserve a good man and may be confused. As a result of thinking those thoughts you may settle for any man.

Why is it that a woman who knows a man is no good will allow herself to talk with him in the first place? The prevailing thoughts are:

  1. There aren’t enough men to go around
  2. I don’t want to be alone
  3. I know he isn’t good, but he’s better than nothing

Let’s take a look at each one of these thoughts:

Thought #1: There aren’t enough men to go around

I know there are more women than men. Many men are either in jail, on drugs, irresponsible, dead or homosexual. However, there are some good men out there that you overlook.

Too many women have this fixation on a man who fits a criteria (i.e., tall, long hair, short hair, nice build, nice butt, no facial hair, look good, have money, drive a nice car, etc.)

By choosing to only look for men who fit your criteria, you eliminate the men who may treat you nice, with respect, may look average, have decent jobs, show you that they care, will stay with you if you get pregnant, are responsible, and much more.

When I hear the statement, “There isn’t enough men,” I always say to myself, “There goes another superficial woman who doesn’t know what she really need and is only looking for what she want.” I feel sorry for you if you are one of those women. Many of your relationships will fail because you are unable to come to reality and identify what you really need!

Just so there is no confusion, I am not advocating that you lower your standards. All I desire for you is to be honest with yourself and seek that which you know you need to have a fulfilling relationship. You can seek what you want just don’t blame anyone but yourself for your unhappiness.

Thought #2: I don’t want to be alone

For those of you who are in your late teens to late twenties, you probably won’t truly understand this statement.

For those of you in your thirties and forty’s will understand this statement all to well!

It is the overwhelming desire of ninety percent of women (that’s based on my experience) in their 30s to settle down, raise a family, get married and live a happy life. Your mother, friends, grandmother, society and the media tell you this is what should be happening in your thirties.

Yet, you look around and you can’t find a good man. You’re barely making ends meet. Struggling with kids whose father doesn’t see or support them. You rarely have time for yourself. This may sound sad but many women are living this life.

For argument sake, let’s say you are doing good, living good, healthy, career is going strong but you don’t have children and don’t have a man. But you want a man and children badly! So bad that you think about it everyday.

Why would you feel you would be alone if you don’t have a man or children in your life? What’s going on within that makes you feel that way? The answer is very simple, but you may not believe it.

Biologically each of us has a genetic characteristic or trait that drives us to seek affection and attention. Studies have been conducted that showed a newborn child would die if it doesn’t receive attention and affection.

As adults, we need that same attention and affection too! We get so busy we put many things on the back burner, especially our needs. Then we wonder why we are depressed, feel so alone, and why no one loves us!

Keep in mind I said, “We need attention and affection.” What I did not say was, “We need attention and affection from others.” I will say that one more time so you understand what I’m saying. “We need attention and affection.” I did not say, “We need attention and affection from others.” We can pamper ourselves, love ourselves, and give ourselves affection.

Unfortunately, we often look outside of ourselves for what we have within. No one could love you better than you. How can they? They don’t’ fully understand you! And most of the time you don’t understand yourself. Yet, you expect another to show you love when you don’t love yourself or understand yourself?

So, what should you do? That’s what you want to know right? It’s simple.

First, identify what you need in a relationship.

Second, if you have a man in your life you must identify if he is meeting your needs.

Third, if he is not meeting your needs (and I don’t mean sexual needs) then you need to get rid of him. I say get rid of him because most likely you have already talked with him about what you need, and he still hasn’t change or made a serious effort to change. Why deal with him? Let him go!

Fourth, spend time with yourself, get to know you and what you like and dislike, do things you would never do like go to the movies with yourself, go to dinner with yourself, take walks with yourself. Do things you desire to do with another but with yourself.

Fifth, keep on doing and experiencing things with you. In the end, you will identify what you need in a relationship and in a man. But, most important, you won’t feel alone all the time and you won’t feel you need a man to complete you. Will you feel “lonely?” Of course you will! But you will be better equipped to deal with it than you did before.

You should take as much time as you need to figure you out. It may take you weeks, months or years. Just know you deserve to be happy!

Remember, do the things you desire to do and forget about doing them with a man. Just have fun with yourself and I promise you will begin to see a change in you and your attitude toward relationships and men in general.

Once you identify a good man, and he is able to fulfill your needs, you can just slip him right into your life and continue to do the things you have been doing.

If things don’t work out you can remove him from your life! And guess what? You are left doing the things you were doing before you had him. The key is you did not lose yourself in the relationship.

Thought #3: I know he isn’t good, but he’s better than nothing

Anytime you are with a man and he is keeping you down, or dragging you down, you need to get rid of him.

Let me ask you a question! If you had a car that kept breaking down on you no matter what you did to fix it, what would you do with that car? I’m sure you would look at getting rid of it so you can get a better car right?

So why would you settle for a no good man who is not doing his part in the relationship? You can’t use the excuses we previously covered. So, think of new ones! If you have to think of a new one you need to stop lying to yourself and wake up!

You can screw up your life by yourself. Actually, it’s better that way because you won’t have anyone to blame but you! As long as you have a no good man you will blame him for your laziness, for you low self-esteem, and for anything else you can think of instead of taking control of your life.

Reason #4: You want the wrong man

Almost ninety percent of the time (based on my opinion) the women who want the wrong men (men they know are trouble) are doing it for the excitement.

Many women are drawn to men who can offer excitement and fun. Most women do not liked to be bored. Yet, excitement, fun and boring are subjective. What I may consider fun may not be fun for you. The key is to find a man that loves doing the things you like to do or is interested in doing things you like to do or takes an interest in the things you like.

I know you are wondering, “What about when people say opposites attract?” Well, with everything, there are exceptions to the rule. Is it common for opposites to attract? Yes! Do opposites tend to do better in relationships than those who have similar interests? Based on my experience, I would say both do about the same.

I believe a relationship or marriage will last depending on how well the couple communicates their wants, needs and feelings. Although I don’t cover communication in this guide, it is very important and can determine if a relationship will succeed or fail.

Reason #5: You have an attitude

You won’t believe how many women have attitudes. And you probably won’t believe how your attitude affects your opportunity to meet good men.

When I walk through the streets of New York City, I can tell, within milliseconds, which women have attitudes. While there may be legitimate reasons to have one there isn’t any reason to show it.

Many of the men I know stay away from women who have attitudes. They figure why they would want her problems to become their problems!

I know people deal with issues everyday. But to allow those issues to affect you in a negative way reduces your chances of attracting a good man. If you saw a man who had an attitude, would you talk too him? You know you wouldn’t!

The only men who will talk to a woman who has an attitude are those who are controlling or abusive. Those type of men figure they could give a woman enough attention, make her feel happy, sex her good, and then manipulate her since they know she may suffer from low self-esteem. Not all women who have attitudes have low self-esteem.

Many women have a legitimate reason to have an attitude. Maybe the children’s father left and she has to raise the kids, her job didn’t pay her, she’s not making enough, her child is sick and doesn’t have medical coverage, and so on.

However, I have noticed that women who are accessible have a better chance of meeting a good man than a woman who is not approachable.

If you want to meet a good man you should take a good look at yourself and identify if you have an attitude. The best way to do this is to ask your male friends, and some of your girl friends, if they think you have an attitude. If they say “yes,” ask them, “What about you makes them think you have an attitude?”

Once you get your answers, make an effort to change the attitude so you can attract that good man who is waiting for you.

Reason #6: Low Self-Esteem

You’re probably wondering what does low self-esteem have to do with me not having a man? Usually, women with low self-esteem tend to settle for men they know they shouldn’t be with. They give in to their need to “feel” loved!

Let me tell you how my friends and I identify women with low self-esteem. When we walk down the street and notice a very attractive woman we look at her. To our surprise most women tend to look down or not make eye contact.

That indicates to us that she may be unhappy with herself and feels she doesn’t deserve a man. Now, mind you we don’t say anything, we just look at her face!

If you want a good man, please pick up your head, hold it high and have some confidence. I know it may be a little hard but it’s easy!

Let me give you an example. When most women suffer from their monthly, and are not feeling well, they tend to wear an outfit they like and know they look good in. This outfit helps them feel good about themselves even though they may feel like crap.

You can do the same thing in your mind. You can imagine yourself with the man you desire, walk down the street with your head up and see the good men that are passing you everyday.

No matter what you may think or feel, there is a good man out there for you! If you keep your head down he will walk into and out of your life for good!

My Experience

When I lived in Houston, I had a conversation with a security guard who said to me, “It’s hard to talk to a woman who seems to have everything they need!”

We stood outside of the parking garage I managed and we talked about the different types of women.

There was one particular woman he was interested in. However, he was afraid to talk to her. I told him that I would show him how easy it is to talk to a woman. I told him pick any woman and I would agree to get her to talk to me within 30 days. He thought I was crazy.

Unfortunately, he picked the one woman we both knew had an attitude! This woman would walk by the garage everyday, not smile, look mean and never made eye contact. She completely ignored us!

For three weeks, I said, “Good Morning” to this woman and she never spoke. The security guard laughed at me for three weeks. He told me that she would never talk to me.

Finally, the last day of the fourth week, I did something that shocked him and the woman. As she was walking toward us, I jumped in front of her and said, in a playful way, “Okay now, I’ve said good morning to you for four weeks and the least you could do is give me a smile or say good morning back!” The woman laughed and said, “good morning.” I introduced myself and we talked for a few minutes.

From that day forward we would say good morning to each other.

I explained to the security guard that my good morning might be the best part of her day! That smile in the morning may be her only smile during the day! In other words, someone took an interest in her and didn’t ask for anything in return except a good morning.

The security guard decided he would start saying good morning to the woman he was interested in. To his surprise, she said, “good morning” the first time. But, afterward he said, “She wouldn’t want me, she has everything, dress nice, smell good, drives a nice car, what could I offer her?”

I told him, “Most men think the same thoughts. Yet, they are wrong. A woman who is independent doesn’t need a man. She has everything she need and can do for herself.”

What she desires from a man, if she can find one, are the things she can’t buy. Like someone to love her unconditionally, spend time with her, take an interest in her and her children, treat her with respect and more. The things she wants are free! Almost every man, an independent woman run into, tries to buy her things instead of giving her the free stuff!”

Once I told him that, he realized he could give those things. A few days later the woman started talking to him.

My point is a real man; good man will not do what I did. He will not spend one month trying to get a woman’s attention. He would talk to women who are approachable.

I had no intentions of talking to the lady, just wanted to show my buddy that you could get someone to talk to you if you put the time in.

Another time back in 1991, I worked as a security guard at one of the Nynex (now called Verizon) telephone buildings in Manhattan. I worked the graveyard shift with another security guard whom I will call Rick. Rick was a married man with two children.

I noticed one of the cleaning staff would always bring him food, buy him clothes and flirt with him. One day I asked him, “Why does she do those things for you?” He said, “I compliment her!”

I was taken back by that statement and said, “What!!!! That’s it!” He said, “Yep! You see a woman generally takes time to get dress, do her hair, and if a man takes notice of those things and is sincere, then he wouldn’t have a problem meeting women.”

I thought about that statement for two months. Then I decided to try it. A lady I knew, who was attracted to me, came to work and I said, “Good evening, I like that shirt you’re wearing.” She said, “Thank you!”

To my surprised, she began to come down to talk with me on her breaks as I continued to compliment her. I was fortunate in that I was sincere! Nothing ever happened between us, but I learned so much that year about women and the simple things they like, want and need.

Now that you know why you keep attracting the wrong men, what steps will you take to prevent it from happening again?

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