Don’t you want to know how to start a relationship, so it has a chance to succeed and not fail?

I am sure when you saw the words “unhappy relationship” in the title it brought back some unpleasant memories of past relationships. While it may bother you to think of it don’t forget them.

One of the best ways to learn is from your mistakes and failures. However, to learn you must know where you, the other person or the relationship, failed.

You need to understand how starting your relationships on the wrong stimulation level prevents you from having a long-term relationship that can lead to marriage.

The word stimulation probably caused one item to pop in your head: Sexual stimulation. There are three additional stimulation levels that are often overlooked such as Mental, Emotional and Physical.

What’s the big deal with these you ask? Many people are aware of the various stimulations but do not understand how they affect the outcome of a relationship.

Once again, I know you have had at least one or more relationships with men. As we cover each level, I want you to pause, reflect on your relationships, and see if you can relate to one or all of the stimulation levels.

Emotional Stimulation

When your relationship begins in this area you are headed for trouble. If you fall into this area you look for emotional stability from a man, feel you need a man, and need validation from a man to make you feel whole and complete.

You may have been abused sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally, ridiculed by friends, or was a social misfit to name a few. The end result is you may suffer from low self-esteem.

Once a man knows you have low self-esteem he can manipulate you into thinking whatever he desires.

He can cheat on you, and you know he’s cheating, but have you thinking you are making it up. He can control your life and tell you where you can go, what you can do and with whom. He can have sex when he wants, how he wants and you are at his beck and call.

I am sure you know of someone like this. She does everything for her man. And he just uses and abuses her. You can’t understand why she would stay with him.

She feels that he loves her because he is still with her, takes care of her, and she can’t live without a man in her life.

The sad part is too many women become emotionally dependent on a man they don’t know. A man they have only met a few days or weeks ago.

No time is spent getting to know the man. Yet, they are telling him their life story, how they love him, having sex with him, doing things they know they should not be doing. However, it’s okay because “He told me he loves me. Plus, he’s sweet and cares about me”, they say to themselves.

How often have you done this? Where did your relationship end up? And yet you continue to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. Clearly you can see this is not a good way to start a relationship.

Have you ever wondered what’s going on in the mind of the man who is on the receiving end of your emotional needs?

If he is not a good man, he will say to himself, “I have a woman who will do whatever I want, she’s always looking for attention and affection, and tells me she needs me. I bet I could cheat on her and she wouldn’t know it. She will cook for me, wash my clothes, and take care of the children. Hmmm…I can have my cake and eat it too!”

If his friends are not good men they will say, “Go for it…I wish I had a woman like that.”

Do you want your man to think of you in this way? Then don’t become emotionally dependent on a man. It’s nice to feel loved but not at the risk of losing yourself within the relationship and being manipulated.

Physical Stimulation

This is probably the most misunderstood of all stimulations. Let’s continue from our Emotional stimulation example.

Here you are with a man whom you say you love and give him everything he could want and need. Although the sex is great, you are still feeling empty…like you’re missing something.

You often touch your man and want to cuddle. Yet, he sees it as a request to have sex. You tell him no, but he doesn’t understand. He says, “You were touching me, turning me on so I thought you wanted to have sex.”

Most men believe physically touching them means you want to have sex. You feel that physically touching each other is a way of connecting, communicating, feeling loved, wanted and needed. Yes, it may be arousing to both of you, but you know it doesn’t mean sex must occur.

Everyone, regardless of who they are, need love. Need to be touched. Need to be held. Need hugs. It just feels so good to know that someone cares enough about you to show they love you in ways other than sexual.

Physical stimulation is good for you! But allowing it to happen too soon can hurt the relationship. Remember, most men think touching equals sex. You need to teach your man to relax and enjoy the touching without thinking about sex. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose of trying to have a long-term, committed relationship when your man is focused on sex.

Sexual Stimulation

This is the most misused stimulation of them all. Everyone has sexual desires and needs. Yet, how we meet those needs usually gets us into trouble.

If you start any relationship with sex, nine out of ten times it will fail! The following is how many women conduct their lives:

You meet a man. He’s nice, attractive, has a decent job and car. You date a few times, feel comfortable with him and you decide to sleep with him. The sex is great and you can’t get enough of each other. Weeks or months later, things are going good, yet you find the only time you can really talk to him is while having sex. Outside of the bedroom, you two don’t have much in common.

Sexual desires tend to cloud people’s judgment. Many women (and men) fall in love with sex and they forget what they need in a relationship.

Sex, like drugs, is very addictive. Once you get it, it’s hard to do without it. Especially when you think everyone is doing it and when you can’t control your sexual desires.

When sex is the first step many women tend to do things they may not ordinarily do.

For example, I am sure you know of a woman who met a man, and he strung her out sexually. Had her doing all sorts of things. This was a woman who claimed she would, “Never do that stuff…it is nasty.” Now, she can’t get enough of it.

Unfortunately, when you allow your sexual desires to take over, you lose control. Just about anything you think may feel good to you or please your man, you would do.

After sex, many women who are told what they did always say the same words, “Who me? Did I really do that? No, I couldn’t have done or said that…that’s not me!”

I am sure you would agree that you spend more time outside the bedroom than inside the bedroom. Why would you settle for an in the bedroom relationship?

Think about it! How can you be sure what the man is saying during sex is true? People do make comments during sex that they wouldn’t ordinarily say when not having sex.

Don’t get me wrong sex is a wonderful experience! However, you may be sick and tired of giving yourself to men who just don’t deserve you.

You hear the words, fall for the words, but don’t see the actions that should follow. Since you are blinded by sex and think you are in love, you stay with the person hoping he will change.

In the end, you get hurt, vow never to deal with men again, and may become harsher toward other men. The whole time you could have left, but you didn’t. So you really have no one to blame but you!

Mental Stimulation

I often hear women complain about men who can’t hold a decent conversation. My friends and associates, who are women, tell me that it’s hard to get mental stimulation from a man who only knows about his little world and not the world around him.

Have you, or any of your friends, met a man who was so sexy and all he did was talk? You felt so relaxed around him, he made you feel good about yourself, and every time you thought of him you smiled and got a little wet?

The most important thing about mental stimulation is that it provides you with the opportunity to learn more about each other.

You cannot overlook this stimulation. It is the foundation of all relationships. The key to mental stimulation is communicating and sharing your feelings, ideas and concerns so your partner can fully understand you!

The Best Stimulation Order

The order in which stimulation should occur is:

1.      Mental

2.     Emotional

3.     Physical

4.     Sexual

Are you aware that proper mental stimulation can physically and sexually arouse you and fulfill all of your emotional needs?

The following is the ideal example of how the stimulation levels should be used.

You meet a wonderful man. Begin talking as friends. However, you do not have a desire to be with a man after what you went through in your last relationship. Having a friend is fine with you.

You go out a few times, have fun and enjoy his company. Then you begin to think about him everyday. Now, that wasn’t your intention, but you just can’t get enough of him.

It feels so good to finally have someone that you could talk to about so many things and who takes an interest in what you are doing with your life and career.

One thing leads to another, and after a few months, you realize that you are falling for him.

The other guys you were talking to are no longer in the picture. You kicked them to the curb. You are focused on one man now. And probably never thought it would happen.

You can recall the day when you were on the phone and remember telling him that you loved him. You did not know where that came from, but it felt right and good.

You continue to talk with each other for months and not once did you have sex. You both agreed to wait until it was the right time or if you two get married. By doing so, it allows you the opportunity to get to know each other better, to become closer friends, and to alleviate the drama that occurs when sex is involved.

You have mental stimulation, a whole lot of physical stimulation, more than enough of emotional stimulation, and the sexual stimulation will follow.

Using the proper order provides the opportunity to learn more about your man, his family, his beliefs, his friends, his lifestyle, his faults, dislikes, likes, and much more.

It gives you time to work through any issues that may arise and deal with it quickly and effectively. No clouded judgment and no, “I can’t do or say that because he may not give me good sex again or buy me things or he may leave me”…none of those issues arise.

I want you to recall all of your relationships and identify which stimulation level you started with. And decide if you need to change your level to have better, longer-lasting relationships.

If you come across a relationship you had with a man, and realize you followed the proper stimulation order, then it wasn’t the right time for you two to be together.

Although you have moved on with your life deep inside your heart you will always love or be in love with him.

You will always wonder, “what if…!” What if we get back together? What will happen if we bump into each other? Just know anything is possible if you truly believe and have faith. If it was meant to be it will be!

Now you know how to start a relationship that should provide you with the happiness you deserve!

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